I knew from the moment I picked him up that he was love incarnate.  He was love in a furry little puppy body with puppy breath and wobbly legs.  Everyone says that they love their pets, and real pet lovers understand that the reason is because of the unconditional nature that a dog’s love comes in.  The saying “my dog taught me about love” is both rhetorical and real.  People say it all the time, but those six words can never embody the true meaning of the statement.  Then again, most words can’t.

When he was almost a year old, I remember having the realization – albeit delayed – that dogs can live a really long time.  And this may be the dog that my future kids climb on to reach the toilet when they are little.  My potty training assistant was a big old Saint Bernard named Holly, as in Holly Go Lightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  She used to sleep on the bathroom floor in the sun ray in the afternoon.  When I had to use the potty I would climb up on her back to reach the toilet.  I didn’t need a stepping stool, I had Holly.  One of my favorite pictures is of me curled up sleeping on the floor with her.  I decided that was where I was going to take my nap that day, and no better place to do it than with a big old fluffy warm dog.

But this story isn’t about Holly, it’s about Fluffy Kinikins, my first dog as an adult.  When I realized that he would be the dog that helped raise my kids, I was thrilled to tears.  He was a funny, caring, goofy dog that would make the perfect child companion.  At the time I wasn’t dating anyone of significance so the thought didn’t cast a new light on anyone, enticing me to push the timeline, but it did give me the hope of having a family that my best friend could help me raise.

Fluffy Kinikins was a typical city dog that went everywhere with me.  At the time he was allowed into stores, bars, the beach; he loved being with me and didn’t mind being tied to a tree until I came out with my coffee, or running errands on a Saturday, as long as it included a trip to the beach for a swim or to the dog park for an off leash romp.  When he ran in the tall grass at the dog park, he would bounce straight up in the air to see over the grass, then pop up again a few feet away.  He was like a bouncing ball, and I always followed the swooshing grass to see where he would pop up, just so I could laugh at the silly look of glee on his face.  He loved to pounce on the mounds of grass in hopes of flushing out a field mouse.  He wouldn’t know what to do with one if he ever caught one, but like life, it is more about the process of the journey than the arrival at a destination.  He used to make me laugh hysterically, and in so doing taught me that life really is valuable and worth living out loud and on purpose.  It is ironic how much a dog can teach you without words.

What made him the happiest was a long hike with a lake at the end.  If he could spend his day running the trail up and back, touching each of us with his nose to count us off, then running the trail again, he was happy.  He loved to swim, and as long as there were rocks for him to find he was in heaven.  He believed that his sole responsiblity in the world was to retrieve every rock from the bottom of the river bed.  He would dive under the water to pick up a rock, bring it on shore and drop it at my feet.  After he shook all the water off, he’d bark a piercing bark of joy and repeat.  When he exhausted himself he would top off the day with a thorough roll in the dirt for good measure.  Then he could sleep the entire drive home with a blissful grin on his face, with plenty of animation for a few puppy dreams of barking and running in his sleep.

So, what do I know about love?  I know that it is a feeling deep inside the core of your heart that is untouchable.  It is untouchable in the sense that you can’t define it, you can’t pin point it, you can’t accurately describe it without using a simile or a metaphor.  Love is like the feeling you get when someone you can’t live without glances in your direction unexpectedly.  Love is like a child cuddled in your lap after they wake up from a nap.  Love is finding a secret note tucked in the pages of a book that a love one hid for you to find one day. Love is Fluffy Kinikins licking away your tears and staying close until the sadness passes.

Love is also defined by the pain that its lack causes.  Knowing what heartbreak is let’s us know what love is by what it is not.  Heartbreak is never falling in love and having those kids for Fluffy Kinikins to raise.   Heartbreak is the day you had your first seizure.  Heartbreak is saying good-bye to the only partner that ever loved me completely, even if he is a dog.  Heartbreak is having to wake up each day without him. 

Love is the memories of our life together.  Love is the hind sight of the miracles that have blessed my life along the way even if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.  Love is holding on to the ashes until the perfect summer sunset on the beach to let him really fly.  Love is knowing that my heart is bigger and stronger than imaginable because he lives inside. Love is knowing that I am capable of loving another wholly, completely, and unselfishly.  Love is trusting the other one to always be there even when they can’t be.

Looking back on our life together, my moment of discovery was every time I walked in the door and he greeted me with such cheer and enthusiasm, his love for me was undeniable. Casting that glance over my entire life, each moment of love expressing itself is in the same category of honesty, cheer, enthusiasm, and unconditional in that moment, expressions of love.  His death has allowed me the opportunity to look back and see my horizons from a new perspective.  It provided me with the invaluable insight into myself and not only how I have loved others, but more importantly how I have allowed others to love me. Until his passing, my life was consumed with how I can please others, how I can serve them, fill their needs, take care of them and be their friend.  I never stopped to consider how I could let them love me.  How I could let them serve me, fill my needs, and care for me.  Maybe now that my first love is gone, and I know that the flow of love is reciprocal by nature, maybe now I can let someone love me as much as I know I can love them.  I know Fluffy Kinikins loved me as much as I loved him.  His love was unstoppable and it didn’t matter if I was unconscious to the depth of it because I was too busy loving him. 

What do I know about love?  I know that is it the most powerful force in our existence.  It shows up in the most delicate of moments, it can come in on a gentle breeze and knock the wind out of your sails, and it can change the world one moment of discovery at a time.  Love is the indescribable, the intangible, the undeniable gravity that holds our hearts in our chests.